[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
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humans can accomplish so much, unless it鈥檚 parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I鈥檒l just eat my cabinets.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Huge, if true.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don鈥檛 have to brush my teeth anymore!
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they鈥檙e so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let鈥檚 go with a bag
Inventor: but they鈥檒l get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. 鈽癸笍
In our house the answer to 馃幎who let the dogs out?馃幎 is always the toddler at 4am when we鈥檙e all alseep because she thinks it鈥檚 funny
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i鈥檝e ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what鈥檚 the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that鈥檚 it! thanks!
How your email finds me
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let鈥檚 you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*