@WheelTod

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

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@FU_TangClan

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

@Zombie_Kitv2

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

@juneohara65

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@aimlessamers

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

@Reverend_Scott

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.