Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: Me neither
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
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Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.