Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.