Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
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Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Growing up was a huge mistake
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.