Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
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*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I’m sorry…what?
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
im 7 sauces long
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
#polloftheday
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it