Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
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If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.