Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!

*sniff* Don’t try to console me

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

why I oughta

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.