Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

That stupid look on my face, is my face

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia