Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

Yes

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

My family: u about to go to work???

Me in my work clothes:

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo