Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

scenes of unspeakable carnage

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.