Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
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[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.