Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

They also CAN sing✌️

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT