Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen