Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “That depends.”

Interviewer: “On?”

Me: “If I get this job.”

Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”

Me: “Great, no take backs!”

Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

As a lawyer who works in a big city I am EXTREMELY concerned that my significant other is going back to their small hometown for the holidays. There are a ton of locally owned bakeries in it too…

I fear that I will get Hallmarked by someone who wants to show her the true meaning of Christmas

My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?

Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…

My Kid: I want a poodle.

Me:…or a worm…

My Kid: POODLE!

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..