Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

they see me scrollin

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

Tell the colonel to bring it

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.