Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

😂😂😂

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

her: so do you have air conditioning

me: no, only fans

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

*names my little horse OneTrick*

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.