*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
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gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Don’t touch that.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT