*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
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How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
We need more people like this.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Boom, boom, ching!
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken