*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
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A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet