Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

Birds & Planes.

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

#Caturday

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK