*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
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Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.