Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*

mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes