Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
*bursts into church*
DONT MARRY THAT WOMAN
Undertaker: “This is a funeral”
OKAY WELL IT STILL HOLDS TRUE, DONT MARRY HER
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Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Joke of the day
5yo: I can’t wear those socks today. They say Wednesday. Me: If anyone notices, tell them you’re here from the future to save the world.
I wonder if anyone ever tossed a ship in a bottle into the ocean hoping that someone stranded on a desert island would find it and just absolutely lose their shit
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
[later at zoo]
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I just found my old Nokia phone from 2003. It still has 87% battery life left.