@RoosterMustache

*bursts into church*

DONT MARRY THAT WOMAN

Undertaker: “This is a funeral”

OKAY WELL IT STILL HOLDS TRUE, DONT MARRY HER

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@taxiderby

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

@existentialcoms

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

@noonanjo

Editor: “you wrote this weird, half the story is a single quote.”

Reporter: [long drag on a Marlboro] “Trust me.”

@tuxedobarbecue

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

@Tmoney68

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

@butterwolf

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

@jonnysun

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

@curlycomedy

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

@ItsSamG

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

@realHamOnWry

I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said ‘You’re a mouth breather, and I’ll never respect you’