Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
*bursts into church*
DONT MARRY THAT WOMAN
Undertaker: “This is a funeral”
OKAY WELL IT STILL HOLDS TRUE, DONT MARRY HER
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Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Editor: “you wrote this weird, half the story is a single quote.”
Reporter: [long drag on a Marlboro] “Trust me.”
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said ‘You’re a mouth breather, and I’ll never respect you’