@RoosterMustache

*bursts into church*

DONT MARRY THAT WOMAN

Undertaker: “This is a funeral”

OKAY WELL IT STILL HOLDS TRUE, DONT MARRY HER

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@Kraz60

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

@3sunzzz

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

@bobbiejo448

5yo: I can’t wear those socks today. They say Wednesday. Me: If anyone notices, tell them you’re here from the future to save the world.

@portmanteauface

I wonder if anyone ever tossed a ship in a bottle into the ocean hoping that someone stranded on a desert island would find it and just absolutely lose their shit

@3sunzzz

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

@KalvinMacleod

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

@azninthesun

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

@TheMichaelRock

I just found my old Nokia phone from 2003. It still has 87% battery life left.