Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu

— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage