*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
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Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.