Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

I cannot stop laughing at this

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you