Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

Midwest trash talk

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.