Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.

She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what

My last name is Zilla.

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.