Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.

ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

Just why bro?!

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back