Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

Finally

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!