*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
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drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.