@SteveSuckington

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

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@bridger_w

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

@KevinFarzad

ENTRY-LEVEL JOB OPENING: Minimum 3 years exp required. Must speak 4 languages, have 2 Olympic medals & a reference letter from Barack Obama.

@equinelover137

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

@Carbosly

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

@TheBoydP

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

@Donna_McCoy

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

@RdrJay47

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

@Reel2Dialog2

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

@Tharin_P

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.