@SteveSuckington

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

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@Lerky

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

@teir3s

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

@le_buns

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

@pbear79

If you have a gluten allergy I feel bad for you son.

I got 99 pizzas and you can’t eat one.

@TheBoyWhoWrote

Send me a “we need to talk” text and I’m just going to respond with “yeah. We absolutely do.” Now we’re both waiting with spicy armpits.

@Jenny4ashley

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

@egg_dog

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

@NoTheOtherJohn

[gives date the “just one sec” sign as I answer my phone] Hello? Oh hi The Pope [I do the hand talking thing to suggest how chatty he is]

@vancitybarbie

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.