If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
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can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
If you have a gluten allergy I feel bad for you son.
I got 99 pizzas and you can’t eat one.
Send me a “we need to talk” text and I’m just going to respond with “yeah. We absolutely do.” Now we’re both waiting with spicy armpits.
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[gives date the “just one sec” sign as I answer my phone] Hello? Oh hi The Pope [I do the hand talking thing to suggest how chatty he is]
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.