Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
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me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
😭😭
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
playing pool? you mean swimming?