Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack