Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
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The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.