Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother