Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
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Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
yes, those are my real potatoes.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
