Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
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ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
peak technology
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?