Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
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When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.