“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
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[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
classic mixup
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
it’s not been my year
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar