“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
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My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser