“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
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police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
meow
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.