“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
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Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.