“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
You Might Also Like
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds