“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
You Might Also Like
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
sounds kinky. i’m in.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.