“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
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WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
good work, everybody
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.