“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
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I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.