“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
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Mornin
trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
huge valentines day plans this year!!
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?