“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
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My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.