“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
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[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
shazam but for random noises outside
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
