Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
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If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Taking phone security to the next level.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
same bro
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.