Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
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Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
i was dropped as an adult
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.