Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

im 7 sauces long

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.