Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
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Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.