Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.