bury ourselves
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*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Always the camel, never the toe.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold