bury ourselves
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Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Honey I made you some hotdog water
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly