Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

Finally! 😈

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

Was it something I said?

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]