[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
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wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.