Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.