[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
You Might Also Like
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.