Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
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Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.