Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

These aliens are taking forever.

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

Ironic

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

prepare for carbonated trouble

🎉🥳

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you