Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

A dad and his duck

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”