Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
You Might Also Like
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Me when my alarm goes off
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat