Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
