Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

mentally somewhere in italy