Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
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[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.