[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
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Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?