Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

britain’s three elite institutions

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.