Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

Go to drunk, you’re bed.

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.