Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

Wait a minute…

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.