Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )

God:

Owl:

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

Fun Things

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot