[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
You Might Also Like
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Finally!
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.