Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus