Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.