Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
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Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge