Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.