Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
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Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.