Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
You Might Also Like
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Twitter remains undefeated
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative