Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
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son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
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Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
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I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.